This morning I looked at myself in the mirror. Like I do every morning, I guess. But this morning, I took a closer look, while holding my head with hands, "ironing" some of the deep wrinkles and looking straight in my eyes. Did I see a stranger for a moment? Less than a moment, for a split second. Who is that woman looking at me? What did I discover looking at her? How can I know her better, and accept her for who she is? This was just the beginning, I know now. On the road of letting things go, giving up attempts to control things that cannot be controlled by her ( by me ? ), accepting of reality ( car that is too old - born in 1993, not having enough money to buy two airfares to Europe, at age of 48 not having a stable career, not having any money saved for retirement...and so on - reality is pounding in my head like too loud drum).
Today is sunny day. It is cold, but it is sunny. It is very bright, very revealing. It would be nice day to go to the beach if it was summer. The summer was way too short. I remember the last day of summer, not by calendar, but by me, when I was sunbathing on my very own balcony. It was one day in September. I remember, I was thinking - this must be the last day of summer for me, I was trying to talk to the sun to go down a little bit slower, I was just making myself comfortable, my book was there ( something about Michael Jackson ), I applied sun tanning oil, my hands were oily, I wiped them on the towel, but sun did not listen to me. There is this big tree that was my enemy, because in less than half an hour the sun will reach it's branches. I love that tree for it leaves, but they are in my way now. The sun will soon be behind them leaving me to long for it's heat, it's caress, it's promise of beautiful sounds and smells of the beach ( even on my balcony, weird, isn't it?).
Anyway, worth mentioning is that I typed few times "son" instead "sun". My son gave me an assignment to read about Great Depression in his history book. He says: "You read first, so that you can help me do my assignment." That meant he was good at planning, and delegating work, and understanding the process. I think: he could become a manager right away. I cannot do that, I like to do work myself, I do not like to delegate, and I am not at ease when I give some work to be done for me by other people. I have no confidence that other people will do a good job, and that is not the trait of a leader. I am no leader, but my son is. He is not aware of that though, he just wants to make his life easier. Me to, that's why I do everything by myself. I cannot stand other people doing things that I can do: driving me, cooking for me, doing my hair, my nails, I do not know - I must be weird. However, I do not mind if my, I will call him husband, washes dishes. I love that. He is so detail oriented, the dishes sparkle after he washes them, and the sink is like new. I do not know how he does that. But, he is really good at that. Also he is good at folding laundry. He is actually an expert on that.
So, this is a little bit about me. I am a little bit disappointed that I discovered that some people I respect very much do not have the same set of values as I. But, hey, who says that my values are the best, except me of course. About my values, some other time, maybe. Maybe not?
