Characteristics of good mental heath - reminder

• Ability to deal with daily chalenges and stress



• Enjoyment of life



• Feeling valued by others



• Good self-esteem



• Healthy relationships with others - family, friends, colleagues and community



• Maintaining a healthy lifestyle (e.g., avoiding alcohol and drug use)



• Optimism/hopefulness



• Sense of control and ability to influence change/make an impact



• Sense of purpose



• Personal balance between physical, mental, emotinal and spiritual

World Health Organization definition of health, in general:
"Health is a state of pysical, mental and social well being and not just absence of desease or infirmity."

Balm Beach fence

I remember Balm Beach with no fence. It was a beautiful, long, sandy beach, not far away from Toronto. About an hour and half drive north. Lovely, lovely beach. Fence was erected by, now infamous, Marion family who own waterfront cottage in this area of Township of Tiny. This ugly structure was burned, chainsawed and despised by people who strongly oppose this kind of behaviour: fencing the beach, disabling access to the water for beach goers. Although I disagree with any kind of violence and by no means condone persons who choose to use violence to accomplish their goal, which would be the fence removal, I also disagree with the Marion family in regards with their decision to put the fence on the beach. There must be a greater value than their right to protect their private property. That greater right is the right of people to continue using the beach as they have been for decades. No one has the right to disable the access to the lake water, because they are not the owners of the lake. The lake belongs to everyone who is willing to take care of it. I am hopeful that in the future, the movement for the fence removal will grow out of its "burnitchainsawit" faze and get a really good lawyer who will argue the Marion's family right to protect their private property under Trespass Act.

Here is the article published today in Toronto Star:
http://www.thestar.com/news/ontario/article/733357--homeowners-win-midland-fence-beach-brawl?bn=1

No news is not always good news

As the time goes by, and new things happen in our lives, we seem to forget and loose interest in the stories that are not in [I]the news.[/I] Our lives revolve around information that we get, mostly on TV. They will tell us when something is important to think about, and when it is not important anymore. The same applies to story about Mariam's disappearance. We saw waves of information, legions of media occupying the premises of FHCI, front of Mariam's building, place where the backpack was found, but just as long as there is something new and sensational to report about. And then, they are all gone. In the hunt for [I]new news.[/I] I am seriously disappointed with the level of journalism that was displayed in case of Mariam Makhniashvili. No one, and I will repeat no one took this seriously and to their heart. Sadly, most of our questions will stay unanswered, although they are not state secret. Did family indeed pass lie detector tests? Was it usual for Mariam to make last minute decisions such as changing her mind about what entrance she was going to use? Did she talk to anyone during her volunteer time with YMCA, or did she make any contact with anyone during their meetings? How often did she meet with other YMCA youth? Where were the meetings? Who accompanied her there? Do buildings along Shallmar have security cameras? What was her usual routine for lunch? Why did George think that she was ill and went home when he could not find her for lunch? What did make him to think that she was ill?

I have so many questions, and I know that we all have so many questions here. It takes one intelligent reporter to, at least get answers to some of those questions. But no, they choose to stay on the surface, and we can only guess and speculate. I have to admit it bothers me.

The need for debriefing

Debriefing is the term that is often used when it comes to the first responders (police, paramedics, firefighters) trauma, or, in a more peaceful setting, as a method to help psychological experiment participants to express their feelings around participation and to relieve the stress associated with that. Today when I heard that the police will be talking to each and every student in Forest Hill Collegiate, and after my own personal experience of being interviewed by police in connection with Mariam Makhniashvili disappearance, I started thinking immediately: will anyone debrief with the students, if they show need for that, after they are going to be interviewed by the police. Because, that is what I would want for my child, and anyone else, who may need it, too. No matter what anyone will say, and no matter how happy you are to help the police with their process, some of us may experience psychological trauma, and may need debriefing.

One of the definitions of debriefing sums it up: "A debriefing or psychological debriefing is a one-time, semi-structured conversation with an individual who has just experienced a stressful or traumatic event. In most cases, the purpose of debriefing is to reduce any possibility of psychological harm by informing people about their experience or allowing them to talk about it." (Wikipedia)

There are divided opinions about who much debriefing really helps. Those who claim that debriefing is not necessary and helpful say that people are resilient, more than we think. It may be true, but for sure it is not true for everyone.

What would you do if police knocked on your door in search for missing person?

64% of survey participants ( sample 210 ) said they would not let the police in!!!
I know what I would do. I would let them in, help them do their job, because, if I say "no", and get stuck on my human rights to privacy, I would stall them for no valid reason. Because my right to privacy is not more important than human life. And the last thing I want to do is to delay police in finding out the truth. I want them to find the person fast, alive and well, and I do not want to be an obstacle to that process.

Some people argue that police is too intrusive, and they believe that police is undertaking this search because they run out of ideas. I beg to defer. First of all, I cannot imagine that police would undertake massive search of the area, knocking on every one's door for not reason. It would not be reasonable. Of course, I am talking about the search for Mariam Makhniashvili. The fact that police does not tell media if they have any evidence does not necessarily mean that they are empty handed. By now, I am sure that they have some leads, and that is the reason for their return to, what some call, "ground zero".

This morning I saw around 10 detectives walking out of Mariam's building. I felt for a moment as if finally they are doing something for real to find her. It will be exactly two months on this Saturday since Mariam vanished on her way to school. Will they find her alive? Is she hiding, or hidden somewhere in the neighbourhood? Where is she and what happened? Maybe we will get answers very soon. Until I hear otherwise, I remain hopeful.

Search for Mariam Makhniashvili continues

It has been now almost two months since Mariam Makhniashvili disappeared. I strongly believed from the very beginning that no stone should be left unturned. However, things have been happening very slowly. The measure of how slow everything around her disappearance has been happening is the fact that it took me four days to find out what happened, and I live literally next door to her building and to her school. I had no idea for four straight days that this young woman had disappeared. It makes me wonder, why? Weren't we who live in immediate neighborhood supposed to be summoned somewhere, on the day one, or even day two, and asked: "Have you seen this girl?" But no, it took officials a week even to talk to her school mates. It took them a month to find the backpack, that was tossed from one location to another, by bunch of close to illiterate people, who do not read newspapers, nor they watch TV. I apologize to those who say they are hard working construction people who have no time to watch TV, but, nevertheless, there are so many ways to stay informed in this day and age. I know that I have an issue with people who saw the backpack and did not make the connection. Not that I am angry with them, it is more that I am in disbelief that the backpack could have sat in the plain view of so many people and no one did something: call superintendent, take it to the nearest school, look if there is an ID and possibly phone number and address in it. How can anyone think that a student will leave their backpack unattended for a month??? It does not make sense to me to think that way.

Now police is going door to door in Bathurst Street, Eglinton Avenue and Chaplin Crescent triangle. Knocking on every one's door, asking for permission to check rooms, closets, even refrigerators. If letting them in, to help them find Mariam, is the most I can do at this point, I am happy to do that. I spent hours thinking what happened to her: was she abducted, did she meet with someone and then became abducted, did she leave on her own accord with desire to walk out of her life, and is hiding somewhere with some one's help, or did she walk somewhere where she met some misfortune, either by taking her own life, or someone else hurt her. I went over different scenarios, about what could have possibly happened to her and why. I contemplated that she may have been high functioning person with autism, because it appears that she had some difficulty communicating, not only because of lack of knowledge of English language. But I have no evidence for any of my theories. In the beginning I strongly believed that she was abducted, then I started thinking that she just walked somewhere, in the park, in the ravine, and then... Who knows?

It has been almost two months of questions, anguish for the family, uncertainty for the neighborhood, and time of constant thinking about: What happened to Mariam Makhniashvili? And while police is doing their job, looking around and trying to connect the dots, I am looking thought my window into the fall in Toronto, thinking why we as people are not more connected and more concerned about each other. Is it too much to ask?

This is it

I saw "This is it" tonight. I am amazed and dazed. He was truly unique individual. I could feel his deep sorrow, felt in his soft spoken words, his worries about world problems, while he was suffering tremendously. But he was in good shape. He was sharp, he was strong, funny and professional. I felt as if I knew him personally. He was truly one of a kind, without borders, without definition, or explanation. His eternal character will fit any place or time. Remember the time. Man in the mirror. Black or white. I'll be there. Beat it. "I love you more", he used to say to his screaming fans.

I just think that he was just too beautiful for this world, truly full of hatred, envy and incompetence. I wish he could have lived to give us more of his positive energy, his beauty and his art. It seems that the best of us really leave us very fast. As if they busy souls cannot put up with all the crap that is going on in dealing with people who are just too shallow to get the true meaning of life. Michael said it. It is love spelled L O V E. We love you Michael. Your music lives on, and you are in my hall of fame!

First 72 hours are crucial

Well, we are way beyond first 72 hours. We are in the week 7 of disappearance of Mariam Makhniashvili, Torontonian for only three months, 17 years old at the time she vanished on her way to school located in quiet neighborhood of Forest Hill.

At first, her disappearance was treated with disbelief that anything bad could have happened in such a nice neighborhood. It was not the only bias surrounding this case. Some tried to implicate the family in her disappearance, digging out father's history while living in States, contemplating that, since there were no witnesses who saw her and her brother George walking to school on the morning of September 14Th, that she had not even walked to school that morning. Media coverage was mostly based on "breaking news", rather than doing investigative journalism and look for clues and connections. It took school officials at Forest Hill Collegiate Institute three days to let their student population know about their school mate disappearance. It took law enforcement the whole week to come to the school and talk to students. It took almost a month for backpack to be found, although it was in a clear view of many individuals, and well within 5 km radius, the radius that police described as the area that needed to be searched by residents. Individuals who saw the backpack sitting for more than three weeks behind the building with the address 101 Roehampton did not make connection with the missing girl, because either they were not aware of her disappearance, or because they just did not bother taking a closer look. Typical bystander pshychology. Someone else is responsible. Find out about this phenomenon, read about Kitty Genovese whose screams were heard by hundreds of people, yet no one called police because everyone thought that someone else already did that. Assumptions, biases, delays, sloppy reporting in both law enforcement bulletins (one of police bulletins claims that Mariam and George walked on Vesta Drive on their way to school, that threw some people following closely this case totally off since walking on Vesta Drive would be detour and no one could find explanation why would they walk on Vesta Drive, it turned out later that this was incorrect), and media ( the list is too long ). And last but not least: it took more than six weeks for law enforcement to check library computers. It was said in early reports in media that Mariam frequented libraries in Toronto. Only logical was that she spent more time in the closest one: Forest Hill Library. When the author of this blog visited the library on October 13, 2009 and spoke with the librarian at the information desk, she could not find any new facts or eye witness accounts, because librarian claimed that she would be, in her own words, "the worst witness", because she does not remember people's faces. Moreover, she said that she could not remember seeing Mariam because of her apparent lack of ability to differenciate among teenagers. "They all look the same to me", she said. Mariam's 18th birthday was yesterday. Beautiful, smart, young person, who is missing now for more than six weeks, while search for her tells us how incapable as society we are to break free from our biases and our assumptions, and make use of the first 72 hours.

Photo: Forest Hill Library, Toronto

Protest at Northern Secondary School

What is this protest about?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhfh8P0FomI

It happened on October 02, 2009. The student and his supporters claim that he was "arrested for no reason". They will protest today the presence of police in Toronto high schools. It appears that the protest is drawing the attention of students from other schools and Toronto Police Accountability Coalition (www.tpac.ca), that will be represented by its member John Sewell. Josh Matlow, St.Paul's TDSB trustee is concerned about the safety of students during the protest. There is not enough space around the school to accommodate the protesters, he says in his message on Facebook.


The history of school shootings in Canada:

May 28, 1975: At Brampton's Centennial Secondary School, 16-year-old student Michael Slobodian kills a teacher, fatally wounds another student and injures 13 others before killing himself. Slobodian is the first recorded high-school killer in the country

Oct. 27, 1975: Robert Poulin, 18, kills one student, injures 4 at Ottawa's St. Pius X High School, then kills himself.

October 1978: A 17-year-old student shoots a 16-year-old to death at Sturgeon Creek Regional Secondary School in Winnipeg, allegedly for ridiculing the rock group Kiss. He is found not guilty of first-degree murder by reason of insanity.

Dec. 6, 1989: Canada's worst school shooting occurs when Marc Lepine, 25, shoots 14 women dead at Montreal's L'Ecole Polytechnique before killing himself.

Feb. 26, 1990: A jilted 17-year-old shoots 3 other teenagers, including his ex-girlfriend, at General Brock High School in Burlington, Ont. All three survive.

August 24, 1992: Concordia University mechanical engineering professor Valery Fabrikant fatally shot four of his colleagues, including the chair of the department, after repeatedly being denied tenure.

June, 1993: A teenager is wounded outside Gladstone Secondary School in Vancouver in a drive-by shooting.

Oct. 20, 1994: Two guidance counsellors who warned a mature student at Brockton High School in Toronto about his performance were shot and wounded. Phu Cuong Ta, 27, was charged with two counts of attempted murder. He is serving a 20-year jail sentence.

April 28,1999: A 17 year old student is shot dead and another wounded at W.R. Myers High School in Taber, Alberta by a 14 year old boy. This was the first fatal high school shooting in Canada in 20 years.

Feb. 8, 1999: A man fires a shot at Woodland Elementary School in Verdun, Que., after a woman in an adjacent adult education centre said she had been threatened by another student. No one was injured.

Sept. 27, 1999: Alvin Brown, 23, was shot and seriously wounded outside Shoreham Public School, near Steeles Ave. W. and Jane St. in Toronto, during a confrontation. Although many students saw the shooting, none were directly involved.

April 27, 1998: A 15-year-old boy fires two shots from a pellet gun into the pool area at Harbord Collegiate, near Bathurst and Bloor Sts. A teacher and a lifeguard were hit.

Feb. 5, 2000: Dwayne Williams, 20, is shot in the back and leg at a community talent show at Scarborough's Lester B. Pearson Collegiate.

Nov. 2005: A Grade 12 student at Chinguacousy Secondary School in Brampton is shot while sitting in his car in the school's parking lot. Police say the 18-year-old is recovering in hospital.

Sept 13, 2006: Kimveer Gill opens fire at Dawson College in Montreal, killing one student and injuring 20 before killing himself.

May 23, 2007: 14-year-old Jordan Manners is shot and killed at C.W. Jefferys secondary school in Toronto. The school is locked down with students inside while police searched for the gunman.

Where is Mariam Makhniashvili and do we really care about another human being?

I have been away from the pages of my blog for few days now. I am still thinking of what happened to Mariam Makhniashvili. Her disappearance is added to Interpol page for missing children internationally.

http://www.interpol.int/public/Data/Children/Missing/Notices/Data/2009/09/2009_33509.asp

It appears that Toronto search, except for the backpack, did not give any new clues about how and why Mariam went missing. It is quite astonishing that a person can disappear without the trace ( of course, except for the backpack that was found after almost a month from the disappearance ) in the big city, and in the part of city that is densely populated. Obviously, it is almost unbelievable that her backpack was sitting in the plain view of many people, and that no one bothered to look at it.

I am just curious about how come no one was curious to take a closer look. Is it only me, or there are other people out there who would do something if they found some one's else lost property? Just questioning my sense of obligation to fellow human being. Or we will just walk by anything that we do not find personally worthy our engagement. Walk by the man slouched on the bench in subway ( maybe he is not alive any more, but his death is invisible to hundreds, thousands people walking by him on Thursday morning around 9 am at Bloor Yonge station, including me, desperately late for my assignment to be able to do anything for that poor soul). One foot was without shoe that was there, aligned with another foot with shoe on it. The man slouched, motionless. And no one stoped to check. Maybe he is still there today, five days after, because no one has time to check. If we cannot stop for human being, what to expect than for a thing like backpack.


Next time you walk by homeless person: think "Could it be me one day?"

Again about Mariam Makhniashvili - did she go to Forest Hill Library?

I will be damned if I do not find some people with little bit better memories.

First, I came across three different times of when Mariam was last seen: one is police bulletin that says she "left her apartment at 8:40 am", then there is updated police bulletin that says that she was "last seen around 8:30 am" and finally there is article in Toronto Star that says that she was last seen around 8:45 am.

Second, the persons who saw the backpack behind 101 Roehampton, cannot say with certainty was it two or three weeks ago.

Third, but I am sure there will be more, is personnel from Forest Hill Library. So far I spoke with two employees. The first one did not know anything because she was just new employee. The second one, I know for sure is not the new employee, and I spoke with her this morning. These are some interesting things that came out from our conversation: to her all the teenagers are the same, therefore she cannot remember seening Mariam, she was surprised that it was mentioned in the press* that Mariam frequented the library ( she never heard of that ), and that she cannot confirm for me if Mariam had library card ( because of privacy laws ). So, I went home empty handed. Sometimes when you do not find anything, you actually find something, no matter how paradoxical this may sound. I found out that for some reason it is very hard for people to remember anything about Mariam. As if she was invisible: her peers cannot remember talking to her, no one can remember seening her on the street that morning, the librarian cannot remember if she ever saw her in the library, her backpack was "invisible" for three weeks, and so on. Mariam is now missing for more than four weeks, and I am just hoping that the police knows much more than they are willing to share with us.




She was last seen at 8:45?

* http://www.thestar.com/News/GTA/article/698988 ( article that quoted MM father saying that she spent her time in the library )





She was last seen at 8:30?





















She left home at 8:40?

Sleuthing on one month's anniversary of Mariam's disappearance

Today I went sleuthing with my fellow sleuther who I met on the Internet. First we visited 101 Roehampton. It was pretty quiet. Except for the few media: City TV and CTV News doing interviews on the street, Police Field Command ( still there although it was mentioned on the local news last night that "it will most likely be removed tomorrow", obviouslu it was not ).

We were wondering how come the backpack found its way over 4 feet fence from the property of 101 Roehampton to the air vent on 12o Eglinton East. We were also wondering about the "pine trees" that protected the backpack from the elements, as reported on cp24. The backpack was found in the area with no pine trees, and the only pine trees ( and not so dense ) can be seen along the fence between two properties.

Then we walked back to Bathurst/Eglinton area. Took a closer look to Forest Hill Collegiate and it's surroundings. Here is the video I recorded to present the location of backpack and Mariam's route to the school.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNLseaAEedk&feature=player_embedded

Report from 101 Roehampton

I spent about half an hour talking to tenants of 101 Roehampton. This is what I found out.
Few of them saw big black backpack behind the building. One tenant describes it as "very big, very full".
The tenant who lives on the ground floor and has his little "backyard" moved the backpack several times, but did not make anything of it because he NEVER KNEW that the girl was missing, or that the description of backpack was in the media. When the backpack disappeared from the spot he saw it last time, he thought that someone had found it.
I spoke with another tenant who told me that, when her car was vandalized in the underground garage few months ago, she reported it to the superintendant and asked him if he would call the police, and he told her that there was NO POINT OF CALLING!!!! the police because they would not come anyway. The tenant called police by herself and police was surprised that anyone gives an advice NOT TO CALL THE POLICE. I am telling you this just to describe that the super of that building may not be very smart and vigilant person, therefore, it does not surprise me that he did not call the police either. By the way, his apartment is located on the ground floor, right next to the apartment of the tenant who was moving the backpack around.
Another tenant also saw the backpack, and she said that it was there for a long time, but she thought it belong to a student from North Toronto Collegiate that is just across the street from 101 Roehampton. She said that students from that school go behind their building all the time, to smoke and just hang out there.
I cannot believe that the backpack was there all the time, and with all the coverage about Mariam, NO ONE FROM THAT BUILDING noticed that backpack resembles the one belonging to Mariam.
Also, what is the likelihood of such an important piece of evidence to be hidden from view in the backyard of a person WHO EVEN DID NOT KNOW THAT MARIAM WAS MISSING!!!!
Also please note that there are two high schools close to 101 Roehampton. One is North Toronto ( just across the street), and another one is Northern Secondary ( about three blocks towards east ).

Where is Mariam? Week three...

I am going over previous posts and media appearances by family, and I realized that one of the very important questions that, I guess, law enforcement needs to answer is whether Mariam was capable of leaving on her own. There must be a way to analyze someone's personality in that regard. I guess they have psychologists who are able to develop profiles.

The way her father was describing her, I got an impression that he, as a parent felt need to "supervise" her all the time. What was the reason for that? She is 17 years old girl, and by that time most of the teenagers are capable of being independent, even in new surroundings. I was about her age when I went to USA for one month high school student exchange, from former Yugoslavia, with limited knowledge of English ( the one that you learn in school ), all by myself, and I was allowed to go places alone. It is really hard to get lost in the big city, even if you do not know the language very well, so I am not sure what Mariam's father meant when he said that she was [I]supervised all the time.[/I] I can think of some reasons why a parent would want more supervision for the child. One example is if the child is on autistic spectrum, high functioning (which can mean that the child is very good in school. academically, and structured setting, but not very much street smart and usually very naive). If that is the case, I would say then the parent has a valid reason to give more support and supervision to the child. Maybe there are some other cases, if the child was a drug addict, for example. Again, I am just wondering: was Mariam capable of leaving by herself because she was not happy with how things were going (as her brother said in one of his appearances)? If she was: where did she go? Or better to say: put yourself in her shoes and imagine you are a teenager, with no money, no IDs, no friends, limited knowledge of the town? Probably to a place where you've been before? Just thinking: if she decided not to go to school that day, and went somewhere else, was it possible that she met some misfortune not in front of FHCI, or even entire neighborhood of Forest Hill, but somewhere else. But where?

I am going over previous posts and media appearances by family, and I realized that one of the very important questions that, I guess, LE needs to answer is whether Mariam was capable of leaving on her own. There must be a way to analyze someone's personality in that regard. I guess they have psychologists who are able to develop profiles.


The way her father was describing her, I got an impression that he, as a parent felt need to "supervise" her all the time. What was the reason for that? She is 17 years old girl, and by that time most of the teenagers are capable of being independent, even in new surroundings. I was about her age when I went to USA for one month high school student exchange, from former Yugoslavia, with limited knowledge of English ( the one that you learn in school ), all by myself, and I was allowed to go places alone. It is really hard to get lost in the big city, even if you do not know the language very well, so I am not sure what Mariam's father meant when he said that she was [I]supervised all the time.[/I] I can think of some reasons why a parent would want more supervision for the child. One example is if the child is on autistic spectrum, high functioning (which can mean that the child is very good in school. academically, and structured setting, but not very much street smart and usually very naive). If that is the case, I would say then the parent has a valid reason to give more support and supervision to the child. Maybe there are some other cases, if the child was a drug addict, for example. Again, I am just wondering: was Mariam capable of leaving by herself because she was not happy with how things were going (as her brother said in one of his appearances)? If she was: where did she go? Or better to say: put yourself in her shoes and imagine you are a teenager, with no money, no IDs, no friends, limited knowledge of the town? Probably to a place where you've been before? Just thinking: if she decided not to go to school that day, and went somewhere else, was it possible that she met some misfortune not in front of FHCI, or even entire neighborhood of Forest Hill, but somewhere else. But where?

I am going over previous posts and media appearances by family, and I realized that one of the very important questions that, I guess, LE needs to answer is whether Mariam was capable of leaving on her own. There must be a way to analyze someone's personality in that regard. I guess they have psychologists who are able to develop profiles.

The way her father was describing her, I got an impression that he, as a parent felt need to "supervise" her all the time. What was the reason for that? She is 17 years old girl, and by that time most of the teenagers are capable of being independent, even in new surroundings. I was about her age when I went to USA for one month high school student exchange, from former Yugoslavia, with limited knowledge of English ( the one that you learn in school ), all by myself, and I was allowed to go places alone. It is really hard to get lost in the big city, even if you do not know the language very well, so I am not sure what Mariam's father meant when he said that she was [I]supervised all the time.[/I] I can think of some reasons why a parent would want more supervision for the child. One example is if the child is on autistic spectrum, high functioning (which can mean that the child is very good in school. academically, and structured setting, but not very much street smart and usually very naive). If that is the case, I would say then the parent has a valid reason to give more support and supervision to the child. Maybe there are some other cases, if the child was a drug addict, for example. Again, I am just wondering: was Mariam capable of leaving by herself because she was not happy with how things were going (as her brother said in one of his appearances)? If she was: where did she go? Or better to say: put yourself in her shoes and imagine you are a teenager, with no money, no IDs, no friends, limited knowledge of the town? Probably to a place where you've been before? Just thinking: if she decided not to go to school that day, and went somewhere else, was it possible that she met some misfortune not in front of FHCI, or even entire neighborhood of Forest Hill, but somewhere else. But where?

A problem child with painful past

In today's Toronto Star there is article by Peter Small with title "A problem child with painful past". I read it with great deal of interest. For two reasons: reason number one, I could not stop thinking, that although David Bragshaw is convicted murderer, his whole medical and life history is made public, and reason number two is that I could not stop thinking if his life could have been different if he was given accommodations for his special needs. Here is the link to the article:

http://www.thestar.com/article/702418

Here is what I said in my letter to the editor:

A problem child with painful past
Toronto Star, September 29, 2009

Article by Peter Small gave us a glimpse into life of David Bagshaw. It makes me wonder if we will learn the lesson from this story. And the lesson to be learnt is that children at risk require early intervention, intensive support and empathy in dealing with their special needs. The system clearly failed David Bragshaw, and I say this not to find excuse for what he did. I say this because if the system worked, David Bragshaw could possibly have a chance not to become a murderer.

What happened to Mariam Makhniashvili?

It has been exactly two weeks today since Mariam Makhniashvili disappeared in thin air on her way to school. Last person to see her was younger brother George. No one else saw two of them walking to school. She did not make any friends in school in the first week of new school year. She was new to Toronto. She moved from Republic of Georgia in June. She is 17 years old. All what I know about Mariam is what I heard in media: she loves school, books and nature. I learned about her disappearance on September 17th, four days after the fact, although I live only steps away from Forest Hill Collegiate, the school that she attended together with her 16 years old brother George, apparently the last person to see her on that day. What happened to Mariam? Police is tight lipped, family avoids media, and the public, including the neighborhood of Bathurst and Eglinton, is speculating. Was she kidnapped for political reasons? Did she leave on her own accord? Was she abducted by sexual predator? Was she happy or unhappy? Did she make any secret friends online, or maybe during one of her frequent visits to the library? All of the theories are out there, and everyone can argue pro and con each and every one, since there is no evidence to support any of them. She simply disappeared without the trace.



Map of the neighborhood

Before you judge me, try hard to love me

"Before you judge me, try hard to love me," Michael sings in the video Have you seen my childhood? He sits on the grassy knoll, arms wrapped around his knees. His hair short and curly, like Peter Pan's. His face is rapt and full of wonder as he watches children - multiracial boys and girls - float through starry sky in little boats. If you want to know about my life, look at this video, he has said. What does he see? What do we? A man who wants to androgynous and beyond race? An artist of genius who has given us acute excitement and pleasure? A willful celebrity who wants everything his way, yet insists that everyone love him unconditionally? A man driven to shed his identity, while denying what pains him? Our man in the mirror? Or a creature we no longer wish to acknowledge? Michael Jackson speaks to and for the monstrous child in us all.

From the book:
On Michael Jackson, Margo Jefferson

What does this mean? Does the author condemn or accept Michael Jackson? Is it alright to be child-like when you are an adult? Is it alright to be able to go to the level of children, and understand them, not the way an adult understands a child, but to undestand them as if you were still a child? Is it possible? Is it healthy, or is it sick? I am just wondering. What does it mean to love children, to love playing with children, to enjoy children's company more than company of adults? Is the desire to be surrounded by children a sign on hidden peadofilia? I am just wondering. But, the author in the cited paraghraph also says something like: What does he see? Yep, what does he see? Can a person who never had a childhood be trapped in perpetual child? What was it like to be Michael Jackson when he was 5 years, 9 years, 12 years old? Do we know? Who knows? Everyone's experience is unique, but we know that Michael Jackson was denied to be a child. He said that he cried when he saw children just playing in the playground while he had to get ready to go on a tour. More than that, he was physically abused and verbally humiliated by his father for being himself, for looking the way he looked. There must be some agreement out there, that it was a horrible experience: not feeling loved, not feeling accepted, not feeling free. I am just wondering. The reason for that is the huge impact that Michael Jackson had on me and my life since he died. As if his energy just spread as a Big Bang all over the world, unifying those who knew him and those who did not so much, those who were die hard fans and those like me, who were just bystanders, unifying all of us and reminding us: Talk to the man in the mirror, do not be afraid to be a child again, and dance, dance, dance. Dance to the music that will lift your spirits up and make you the better person for the better world.

Selimov svet

Nedavno sam imala priliku, zahvaljujuci mojoj prijateljici Neveni, da pogledam kratke dokumentarne filmove koje je sezdesetih snimio njen otac, reziser Zarko Pesic. Na zalost, autor ovih umetnickih ostvarenja je poginuo u saobracajnoj nesreci 1968. godine. Uprkos tome, njegova izuzetna sposobnost da zabelezi trenutak, da ga osmisli i oboji toplinom ljudskog kazivanja je uspela da prevazidje prostorne i vremenske prepreke. Cetrdeset godina posle, i hiljade kilometara daleko, sedim u svojoj sobi i, bez da trepnem, ulazim u magicni svet, koji je postojao ili jos uvek postoji, negde daleko, sakriven od pogleda onih koji prolaze pored njega nezainteresovano. Selimov svet, i svet Pirotskog cilima. Skladno i sinhronizovano teku reci, muzika i slika. Zaboravljam na tugu za davno proslim vremenom, skolskim programom u kojem su obicno prikazivani ovakvi filmovi, tugu za nama koji vise ne postojimo tamo, a nasa deca stvaraju svoje uspomene na sasvim drugim koordinatama. Te misli dolaze tek posle, kao talas. Dok gledam film, sa nevericom pratim naraciju i pokusavam da nadjem neku gresku u ritmu, u sadrzaju, ali sve tece savrseno, prijemcivo i prirodno. Pravi umetnik, a opet praktican, sto je pokazao u svom filmu Prvenac gde prikazuje kako se prokopava jedan od tunela u Bosni, Zarko Pesic je svojim filmovima sacuvao jedno vreme i prostor od zaborava. Iako nase tuge zive zajedno sa njegovim filmovima, mi ih zaboravljamo bar dok gledamo. Kao dobra knjiga, kao lepa slika, kao muzika koja pleni, ovi dragulji kratkog dokumentarnog filma zasluzuju da zauvek budu sacuvani za one koji su zaintersovani da saznaju sta se krije u najdubljim slojevima ljudske duse, da saznaju tajnu.

Hronologija:

IMS Zezelj (1969), Prvenac (1968), Zavetovani (1966), Selimov svet (1965), Pirotski cilimi (1964) and Poslednji grncari (1962)

Forest Hill

(please click on the picture to see the text)







"Forest Hill is an affluent neighbourhood in central Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Along with Hoggs Hollow, Rosedale, The Bridle Path, and Lawrence Park, it is considered to be one of Toronto’s wealthiest neighbourhoods."

From Wikipedia


Today the love of my life (TLOML) and I went for our usual 7 km walk through Cedarvale ravine, under Bathurst bridge, up the hill through Forest Hill village, back to Eglinton. Everything was alright, until we, while walking up the hill on Spadina Road did not hear the alarm went off loudly. I said it was the house alarm. TLOML said it was the car alarm. Does not really matter, it was loud and did not stop for all the time we were walking up hill, five, six minutes, until we walked so far away that we could not hear it anymore. Then I started my rant. First of all why do these people need such big, huge, enormous million dollar houses, some of them surrounded with tall fences, hiding from the rest of the world, as if the rest of the world is not worthy them. I continued ranting, while TLOML was showing me the swimming pool and commented how nice, good looking swimming pool that was. I said I did not care ( and I said something even worse but I will not share it with you, but what I said prompted TLOML to say it reminded him of the movie Fight Club ), and that I was going to print the pamphlet in 500 copies and deliver it like a flyer to those houses. I want them to know that they are rich because some other people are poor. I want them to know that they are no better than any homeless person on the streets of Toronto, they are just shrewder. I want to tell them in my pamphlet that they live in those big houses because their great grand fathers were using cheap labor to make huge profits. I want them to know that according to me they should be ashamed they live in those big houses while there is so much poverty in this city. Well, TLOML was laughing at me, really. He asked me very practical question: where will you print 500 copies of your pamphlet. I will go to Kinko. One day I will do it, I swear to God.

Mom, why God chose me to have autism?

Because my son, if there is God (I personally tend to be more scientifically oriented), so if there is God, from what I learned in my life so far, we are created the way we are so that we and other people can learn from each other. Therefore, my dear son, if God exists, and God chose you to have autism, it is because you have the strength to teach those ignorant around you how to treat with respect people they perceive different from them.



But mom, why me, I do not want to have autism.

I know, I know Aleks, you want to be just the same as everyone else, and it is so much easier ( I guess? ), but the plan for you is not that you will figure things out easily. I mean social things: when to say something, when not to say ( we all struggle with that but we, who are neurotypical (NT) we know for which clues to look to figure that one out), when to laugh, when a person is sarcastic, what the person you are talking to has on his or her mind, and so on. There will be a lots of trial and error for you. There will be people along way that you will meet and they will be those nice people who have empathy and who will be able to see a nice person in you. I am sure there will be some not so nice people that will tease you or even worse to try to torment you and abuse you. Sometimes these mean people will be disguised as nice people. Sometimes even some adults whom you trust so much will be those mean people who look like and behave like nice people. They will tell you that you cannot do things, they will separate and segregate you under excuse that it is for your own benefit, they will pretend that they care. The good news is that sooner or later their real agenda will become obvious and then I will do everything I can to stop them. I know it may not be enough, and surely is not enough, but you have me. I love you very very much, and I believe that love is the strongest medicine, the strongest force in this world. As long as I walk on this planet you will have me as your protector. After that, I am sure that you will be able to take care of yourself, and even when I am not around anymore my love will stay with you. Do not worry my dear son, someone who is such a beautiful person, as you are, will always find love in this world. Just hang in there. Ok Aleks?

An Evening with Jean

Jean R. is my neighbour. She was born on November 30th, and I will not tell you the year, because Jean would not want you to know that she started her tenth decade of life. She is an extraordinary lady. And when I say lady, I mean lady in the real sense of that word. She is always impeccably dressed, she is always polite and she has perfect manners. She is up to date and uses laptop to send e mails, you believe it or not. So I was not surprised when she invited us for afternoon cocktails, she said: "Come over for cocktails tomorrow, whenever you normally have cocktails, it's alright.", she said gingerly. Well, I had to ask when, because we normally do not have cocktails.


Next day, before we went there, I made sure that I was dressed lady like. I even put my black beads necklace that I rarely wear because I think it looks too formal. I made sure that we both look like people who will have cocktails with Jean R. Since I always bring her some food, whenever I bake something nice, or last time when we went strawberry picking, I gave her some nice fresh strawberries, I decided this time to give her a book. I picked "Bridges of Madison County" thinking that kind of book will bring her spirits up. As if she needs that. If you will ever meet Jean, the first thing that you will notice that her spirits are always high. Even when she comes back from the nursing home where her husband lives now. She calls him "roaring lion" because he hates that he is there, but she cannot take care of him. Sadly he has Alzheimer's and needs around the clock care. Jean will tell you that Doug is British Army Major. She was so sweet one time when she visited with us and I shared my son's story about Canadian soldier he wrote as his Remembrance Day project. She told to my son that she was proud of him for what he had written and added that her praise had more value because she was the wife of British Army Major.

That afternoon we had a usual cup of stories with Jean: about her daughter, grandson, and of course "roaring lion". She was dressed in pale green pant suit with darker green beads necklace. She always wears one of those little angel pins. We sat with her for more than three hours.

She offered very nicely arranged platter of shrimp, little sandwiches decorated with her own herbs that she grows on her balcony, veggies and dip, three different kind of cheese and crackers.










We were sipping Scotch, hers with little bit of water and ours on ice. It was a lovely evening. We talked about Prince Edward Island, about how her ancestors were among "fathers of confederation" in that famous conference that was a birthplace of Canada. Her eyes lit up when she was talking about her father, who was very respected Judge in New Brunswick. She told us how shocked she was when she went to renew her passport and she was told that she needed "an interview". She could not believe that the "fourth generation" Canadian needs to prove that they are citizens! Well, bureaucracy is ignorant anywhere in the world, but when the ignorance meets such a lady, it makes you wonder what that person behind Service Canada counter was thinking.

Jean calls me "her friend". Although she could be my grandmother, when I talk to her I feel that there is no age barrier, no cultural barrier, no language barrier. So I concluded that spirited people are just the same everywhere. I want to believe that Jean and I are two of them.

Misunderstood, eccentric, or something else...

I personally know someone who, most of the time, feels like an outsider. He is my son and my desire to untangle everyday communication for him, and help him to "get it", is bigger than anything you can imagine. However, even if you have me on one side, who knows quite a bit about the human communication, and my son, who is willing to learn, the task is almost impossible to accomplish. Why is it so? Why is he misunderstood? In my efforts to solve this mystery, I decided to interview my son and ask him some questions about how he feels when there is a breakdown in the communication. Well, it is not surprising that he feels ANGRY. The feeling of anger for him also means that he feels depressed ( read this as hopeless that things will ever change or improve), but he also feels hatred and some disturbing thoughts are coming to his mind. This is how he feels when he cannot express himself in appropriate and socially acceptable way. Why is it so? He says he knows that at times he talks a lot ( but don't we all sometimes do that?), speaks loudly ( again, don't we all sometimes raise our voices?) and his reactions are strong.

But this does not explain why and how he appears to other people as "different". Is it something in the way he says words? Is it something in his body language? What kind of detectors the neurotypical population has so that they can conclude in a matter of seconds that a person is DIFFERENT? And start treating that person differently, and distance oneself from that person immediately, and team up against that person in matter of minutes from the start of the conversation. My son's appearance in any group of people will ensure that in no time they will team up against him, and he will be either ridiculed or teased or just simply ignored (with rolling eyes). Sometimes those who are little bit more polite will just try to avoid that situation all together and find an excuse why they cannot come to his birthday party ( such as, they already have something planned, although they knew about the party well in advance, or they would suddenly fall sick or something else...). Now, it makes me wonder how come 99 percent of people cannot see the beautiful person that he is? How come our brains are not equipped to see the person behind that first appearance that is so damaging to my son. How come people are so judgmental about person's abilities and potential from just looking at the person for 2 seconds and talking to the person for 3 seconds?

In the light of may daily endeavors to help my son communicate better, I developed a keen eye for other people that may suffer from similar communication difficulty as him. Recently I noticed something in Michael Jackson's behaviour that to me was so familiar: some kind of naivety, at times very literal response to complex issues, inability to react in real time to verbal challenges, obsession with specific topics and feeling comfortable when the conversation is concentrated around that topic, and so on. Some will call it "tragedy of genius". Maybe that is what it is. Some people with communication disorders, such as autism and Asperger's are genius and being that can also be their demise. They cannot really take care of themselves, and they are surrounded with "friends". As long as there is money, there will be "friends". Not true friends, who will not feed on that person's money, fame or anything else they find interesting in the person. True friends will accept the person for who the person is, and break heartbreaking circle of loneliness and isolation. Just like my son, I feel that MJ, and many others who are different than neurotypical average Joe, are suffering immensely, not because they feel they are different, but because they are treated differently. And yes, of course, taken advantage of. We need to put stop to this.

And before I help my son learn how to communicate so that he will not tick off neurotypical people with his oddities, before that, I believe that this world will have to recognize those leeches who feed themselves with thinking that they are better than someone who is DIFFERENT. I, personally, chose the life of isolation and loneliness, just to be on the side of those who are so much better than us, but those who we decided are weird, odd, eccentric, or just simply slow and stupid.

Sunset Chaser

I decided today to call myself a "Sunset Chaser". Why? Because I find sunsets to be mysterious and promising. The end is the new beginning. I find sunsets to be soothing and tranquil. Unlike me. I am not tranquil at all. I have storms within. I have big waves. I have thoughts heavy like mountains. Sunsets are light like a feather. Sun disappears on the horizon. Find a clear view of the sunset and put your finger on it. Draw a circle. Get the power. Find a moment of peace, quiet place to catch the moment. It is already gone, and thinking that you catch it will soon be an illusion. Sunset chaser will continue until the last sunset imprints its colors in his soul. Share a moment with the nature. Watch the sunset, alone, or in a crowd, alone, or with someone who loves you. Give them sunset as a present. It is never too late to chase the dream.

Summer

I plan to spend this summer in Toronto. It will be the first summer after many years that we have no plans to travel. I am actually looking forward to day trips to Awenda Provincial Park















I hope that we will have a chance to visit Sandbanks Provincial Park
















I may decide to be a tourist in Toronto and take a stroll downtown, just like any other tourist. There is so much to see and learn about this city. However, I will avoid the "tourist traps", such as CN Tower, Casa Loma, overpriced downtown restaurants, Niagara Falls (except maybe for Serbian picnic, but still not sure if I want to eat way to salty chevapchichi in July humid heat:), etc. Instead: Distillery District, museums, stroll by the lake, maybe visit Panorama on Bay and Bloor. Or just sit on my balcony sipping wine and munching on some good food.

Actually, honestly, I am looking forward to the lazy summer days on my balcony. Come and join me!

What if nobody is reading this blog?

What is the purpose of writing the blog if no one is reading it? It is true that I did not "advertise" my blog anywhere, and that not too many of my friends even know about it. I simply does not want to be in everyone's face: telling to people "read my blog" is not my style. But it tells me a lot about myself. Why am I so humble, so low profile, so passive when it comes to displaying my qualities? The other day someone asked me: Do you still write the blog? And I, instead of saying: "Yes, why don't you check it out?", I said: "Yes, but I am not updating it regularly." So much for my ability to advertise. I know some other people who have blogs and they have their audience. I am still waiting to be discovered. Like a new continent. At the same time, I know that it does not work that way. I understand that blogging means constant updates and finding your audience who can count on you. I understand that blogging is not just writing what is on your mind, but writing about something that is relevant to your audience. I tried several topics here: some are about my son ( parenting of a child with special needs), some are about my sister ( not only about her violent death, but also about her work), some topics are just random, about things that happened to me or others. None of these stories attracted much attention, except one. That one is the topic about exodus of Serbs from Krajina in 1995. I said there that I despise Belgrade and its politics for the way how they treated those refugees. I understand that it is hard for my readers to follow because I write sometimes in Serbian, sometimes in English, the practice that I will be changing. So, my dear readers, you tell me what you like to read here. I am at your service.

Dada and Arkan

She was furious that he used her image in his propaganda film during Serbian elections at the end of 1993. It was only few months before her death. I never saw that advertisement. However, few days ago, purely by accident, I came across the clip on youtube in which I saw Dada with Arkan. She was there, doing her job, being a journalist, going to the source. He was the source then in 1991. Somewhere in Slavonija. They are both dead now. Ironically buried just feet away at Novo Groblje in Beograd. Two opposite ends of the tragedy: she, who believed in humanity, and he who believed in doing a dirty job for Serbian government. The fact that he his still a hero, and her death is still a taboo, tells the story of Serbia today. I, personally, think that the virus of hatred that she mentioned in her letters to me is incurable disease. I wish I will be proven wrong. How the things stand now: slim chance.

About Dada

You will never meet her. Because she is dead. But if you had a chance to meet her, to know her, you would never forget her smile, her ability to listen, and her concern about everything called human. She was different than majority and she was left to die alone, in the night, with the bleeding hearth. You, who never met Dada, do not know and understand the depth of her humanity. She did not want to believe that there is an excuse for human becoming an animal ( I ask for forgiveness from animals to call some humans animals, but in the absence of the better word...). She saw it first hand. She was there: Croatia, Bosnia. War, smell of blood, smell of burnt house, smell of death. She was there. And she could not find an excuse for this under the sun. And she objected the idea of the "uebermensch" ( ask Dobrica Cosica what I mean here ). I will continue writing about Dada, because she is always with me: even after 15 years, I still vividly remember her, every time I read her articles, her letters, I feel her presence and how smart she was, and how talented she was, and my thoughts end in the horror of the night between April 7 and April 8, 1994. Just a month before my son was born. I see her in him, in me, in my parents, I can see her because it is not possible that someone so extraordinary like her just disappears. She is still with us, and as long as I live, I will remind you of her. Because you do not know her, you were not lucky to know her. Dada is alive!

Letter to Mr. Greenspon

Dear Mr. Greenspon,

I just wanted you to know how shocked and worried I became when I heard of the terrible incident on Friday. I hope Jacob is doing well. I also have a son who goes to the same school as yours, the same age. What can I say: the worst parent's nightmare is that the child will be hurt.

The reason I am writing to you is that I hope that we will find out some real answers to what happened before the man who was on three different kinds of medications decided to do something like this. It is about the time to find out how is it possible that the people who are very mentally ill walk around with no support, or place to go to. I hope you will be in the position to find out answers to these questions, and prevent something so horrible happening again.

I wish Jacob very fast recovery. I know that physical wounds will heal faster than psychological, and I wish him all the strength that I am sure he has ( which he showed with being able yo pull through this horrifying ordeal ).

Take care.


http://www.thestar.com/News/GTA/article/587951

Dada - 10, februar 1964 - 8, april 1994