Upravo sam zavrsila sa slanjem virtualnih cestitki. Sarma se krcka na sporetu. Ruska salata je napravljena. Kuglice od oraha sa rumom. Sampanjac.
A nekada: kupovina cestitki u Knez Mihajlovoj. Pocetkom decembra. Pisanje, adresiranje, lepljenje markica, radost zbog najveselijeg praznika u godini. Gde ces za novaka? Koliko je samo vazno bilo imati plan, mesto za docek, drustvo za docek. Kod kuce, mama u kuhinji, pravi tortu od badema sa pomorandzom, u rerni se krcka nesto, sto je prekriven namirnicama za pripremu "novogodisnje" vecere.
Prosle godine u Torontu je na danasnji dan pao veliki sneg. Aleks, Ivan i ja smo isli da se sankamo na brdasce pored North Prep skole. Ulice su bile prazne. Nas troje, sami na vrhu brdasca smo mogli tako da budemo sami i na Sevenom Polu. Nigde nikoga, da vikne:"Srecna Nova Godina komsija, komsinice, sine, kceri, brate, sestro, majko, oce!" Samo nas troje, i nasi tragovi u snegu, i srebrenasti odsjaj pahuljica, i mir, i prostor. O Kanado, naucila si me da je samoca velika kao tvoje prostranstvo, da mogu da pobegnem od svojih secanja u tvom ogromnom prostoru, gde ljudi vredno pokusavaju da rekonstruisu svoj zivot. Hajdemo iz pocetka: izgradimo kucu, karijeru, porodicu, novi identitet, novi patriotizam, nove prijatelje, nova secanja, nove poraze.
I za kraj moja omiljena pesma od grckog pesnika Konstantina Kavafija:
GRAD
Kažeš: "Otići ću u u drugu zemlju, otići ću do drugog mora.
Naći će se neki drugi, za mene bolji grad.
Unaprijed je osuđen ovdje i potkopan svaki moj rad.
I srce mi je - kao mrtvac - zakopano tu.
Dokle će u ovoj tmini čamiti moj um?
Kud god da okrenem oči, kud kod da pogled svinem, vidim samo svog života crne ruševine, jer sam prošao tolike godine, šćerdao i upropastio.
" Nećeš naći drugu zemlju, nećeš naći drugog mora.
Ovaj grad će te pratiti. Po istim ćeš ulicama ići.
U istom će te susedstvu i starost tvoja stići: i u istim ovim kućama ćeš osedjeti.
Uvijek ćeš u ovaj grad stizati.
Za neko drugo mjesto - nemoj se nadati - nema za tebe broda, nema puta.
Kao što si svoj život šćerdao iz ovog kuta, tako si ga na cijeloj kugli zemaljskoj upropastio.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
Toronto Western Hospital ER
This morning, around 5 30 am, I was in the waiting room of Toronto Western Hospital, on the Bathurst Street, south of College, attending to family medical emergency.
On my way down there, I saw a car accident on the Bathurst and St Claire intersection: I just saw one car, badly damaged, and ambulance, and shiny little pieces of broken car parts, and a few of police officers. It looked almost surreal in the dark, empty street. Upon arrival to the ER, not long after, I saw a woman being brought in on the stretcher. The waiting room was half empty.
The hospitals in Canada, for some reason, do not smell like hospitals ( if you know what I mean, that disinfectant smell). ER paramedics, one tall male and short female, were chatting with the woman, who, in spite of the situation she was in, appeared to be calm and comfortable. I did not want to stare, but was very curious was she the driver of the car I saw just moments ago. Do not we all wonder what happens to people who are in a car accident that we witness? It was very hard for me to hear the conversation: the male paramedic was adjusting her intravenous pain killer, she almost smiled few times while talking to them, and I just heard bits and pieces of the conversation: she was in the restaurant, went to the bar after ( she did not look like she was drunk, and she looked like more she was coming back home from work, more like a mature, serious person, well groomed), and then she said something like: "I wanted to go to Bathurst and Bloor", as if she was trying the say that she was not even supposed to be at Bathurst and St. Claire, and that somehow this whole mess could have been avoided, "and..." , I could not hear her anymore, and I did not want to look in their direction, as I know it would have been very rude to do that. Last thing I heard was that she was asking how long will it take for her broken leg to heal. Do not we all want bad things to be undone quickly, do not we all regret decisions we made that brought us to the situation that is painful for us. Woman on the stretcher, wrapped in an orange blanket, disappeared behind double "do not enter" emergency room doors.
Soon after, another drama unfolded. I saw security guards, going back and forth with their "walkie-talkies". " I am calling 911.", the tall male security guard was saying. After about five minutes, the police arrived, three officers, two female and one male. The woman in the Psychiatric ER was, apparently yelling she was going to kill everyone there (I was eavesdropping on the security guard whisper to the police officer while they were hurrying in the "do not enter" door).
I was just wondering, what kind of a mental "car accident" brought her so much the pain that she could not cope anymore. And, why, we as people, are so much more understanding of a physical pain, as oppose to emotional pain.
The new day began.
On my way down there, I saw a car accident on the Bathurst and St Claire intersection: I just saw one car, badly damaged, and ambulance, and shiny little pieces of broken car parts, and a few of police officers. It looked almost surreal in the dark, empty street. Upon arrival to the ER, not long after, I saw a woman being brought in on the stretcher. The waiting room was half empty.
The hospitals in Canada, for some reason, do not smell like hospitals ( if you know what I mean, that disinfectant smell). ER paramedics, one tall male and short female, were chatting with the woman, who, in spite of the situation she was in, appeared to be calm and comfortable. I did not want to stare, but was very curious was she the driver of the car I saw just moments ago. Do not we all wonder what happens to people who are in a car accident that we witness? It was very hard for me to hear the conversation: the male paramedic was adjusting her intravenous pain killer, she almost smiled few times while talking to them, and I just heard bits and pieces of the conversation: she was in the restaurant, went to the bar after ( she did not look like she was drunk, and she looked like more she was coming back home from work, more like a mature, serious person, well groomed), and then she said something like: "I wanted to go to Bathurst and Bloor", as if she was trying the say that she was not even supposed to be at Bathurst and St. Claire, and that somehow this whole mess could have been avoided, "and..." , I could not hear her anymore, and I did not want to look in their direction, as I know it would have been very rude to do that. Last thing I heard was that she was asking how long will it take for her broken leg to heal. Do not we all want bad things to be undone quickly, do not we all regret decisions we made that brought us to the situation that is painful for us. Woman on the stretcher, wrapped in an orange blanket, disappeared behind double "do not enter" emergency room doors.
Soon after, another drama unfolded. I saw security guards, going back and forth with their "walkie-talkies". " I am calling 911.", the tall male security guard was saying. After about five minutes, the police arrived, three officers, two female and one male. The woman in the Psychiatric ER was, apparently yelling she was going to kill everyone there (I was eavesdropping on the security guard whisper to the police officer while they were hurrying in the "do not enter" door).
I was just wondering, what kind of a mental "car accident" brought her so much the pain that she could not cope anymore. And, why, we as people, are so much more understanding of a physical pain, as oppose to emotional pain.
The new day began.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Moj sin ne govori srpski
Nije uvek dovoljno za dete da se sa njim govori maternji jezik i da dete nauci taj jezik. Ja sam sa mojim sinom iskljucivo pricala na srpskom, i on nikako nije mogao da progovori na srpskom. Čak ni kada sam ga, po savetu lekara, sa dve i po godine upisala u skolicu, nije poceo da govori odmah ni na engleskom. Tek kada je imao skoro četiri godine, poceo je da sastavlja recenice na engleskom.
Izabrao je engleski jer mu je bio laksi za izgovor, i sva sreća da je imao tu mogućnost. Da sam, na primer živela u Srbiji, moj sin bi i dan danas, verovatno, imao tesku govornu manu. Kada prica na engleskom, mnogo se manje cuje njegova nemogućnost da proizvede odredjene zvukove. To se zove „oral motor weakness”. E sada, kako okolina reaguje na to što moje dete ne govori srpski, to je vrlo okrutno. Ja ponekada želim da objasnim, nekada ih ostavim da veruju da sam samo ja za to kriva, i da iz nekog neoprostivog razloga ne želim da moje dete prica maternji jezik. Naprotiv, ja želim da moj sin prica srpski jezik, pa i on želi, ali kada prica na srpskom on zvuci kao dete od godinu dana: em tepa, em nema fond reci, em gramaticki nije tačno. Ipak, on hoće da prica, i ako pocne da prica na srpskom sa mnom, ja mu odgovaram na srpskom i ispravljam ga.
Nisam još uvek oguglala na komentare zašto moj sin ne govori srpski.
Izabrao je engleski jer mu je bio laksi za izgovor, i sva sreća da je imao tu mogućnost. Da sam, na primer živela u Srbiji, moj sin bi i dan danas, verovatno, imao tesku govornu manu. Kada prica na engleskom, mnogo se manje cuje njegova nemogućnost da proizvede odredjene zvukove. To se zove „oral motor weakness”. E sada, kako okolina reaguje na to što moje dete ne govori srpski, to je vrlo okrutno. Ja ponekada želim da objasnim, nekada ih ostavim da veruju da sam samo ja za to kriva, i da iz nekog neoprostivog razloga ne želim da moje dete prica maternji jezik. Naprotiv, ja želim da moj sin prica srpski jezik, pa i on želi, ali kada prica na srpskom on zvuci kao dete od godinu dana: em tepa, em nema fond reci, em gramaticki nije tačno. Ipak, on hoće da prica, i ako pocne da prica na srpskom sa mnom, ja mu odgovaram na srpskom i ispravljam ga.
Nisam još uvek oguglala na komentare zašto moj sin ne govori srpski.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Malo blogovanja na srpskom
Za moje obozavaoce koji citaju ovo na srpskom jeziku, evo sta sam zapisala jutros na forumu b92, na temi "Osecaj pripadnosti" ( rec "pripadnost" sam zamenila sa recju "pripadanje")
Osecaj pripadanja. Definisacu ga osecanjem "nepripadanja".Evo cemu ne-pripadam ( BeatrisDal je to nazvala nacizmom!, svidja mi se njena direktnost u definisanju problema)Tesko podnosim "uebermensch" trip u koji su Srbi nespretno uleteli zahvaljujuci zamahu koji su dobili od SANU. Ne podnosim velicanje "vremena smrti", golgota koje je srpski narod prozeveo ( kao da je jedini u celom vaskolimo svetu koji je ikada stradao), velicanje pogresnih heroja, i kreiranje novih, cije je osnovno zanimanje kriminalac. Ne mogu nikako da se identifikujem sa onima koji negiraju masakr u Srebrenici, bombardovanje Sarajeva, progon Albanaca sa Kosova, Milosevicevo prizivanje NATO-a da bombarduje Srbiju kao da je to njegova prcija.Ne mogu da se identifikujem sa onima koji svim srcem nisu protiv svega sto je Srbija danas: jedna u svakom smislu zaostala zemlja, u kojoj ni jedna institucija ne funkcionise kako treba. Ja jasno razdvajam ovo gore napisano od mog porekla, mog detinjstva, mog zavicaja, mog Beograda, mojih secanja i mog pripadanja vremenu i zemlji koja vise ne postoji.Isto tako, samom cinjenicom da zivim u gradu gde zivi ceo svet, pripadam i celom svetu, kao i Kanadi u kojoj se nikada nisam osecala kao stranac ( sto zbog gore navedenog ne bih mogla da kazem za Srbiju).
Osecaj pripadanja. Definisacu ga osecanjem "nepripadanja".Evo cemu ne-pripadam ( BeatrisDal je to nazvala nacizmom!, svidja mi se njena direktnost u definisanju problema)Tesko podnosim "uebermensch" trip u koji su Srbi nespretno uleteli zahvaljujuci zamahu koji su dobili od SANU. Ne podnosim velicanje "vremena smrti", golgota koje je srpski narod prozeveo ( kao da je jedini u celom vaskolimo svetu koji je ikada stradao), velicanje pogresnih heroja, i kreiranje novih, cije je osnovno zanimanje kriminalac. Ne mogu nikako da se identifikujem sa onima koji negiraju masakr u Srebrenici, bombardovanje Sarajeva, progon Albanaca sa Kosova, Milosevicevo prizivanje NATO-a da bombarduje Srbiju kao da je to njegova prcija.Ne mogu da se identifikujem sa onima koji svim srcem nisu protiv svega sto je Srbija danas: jedna u svakom smislu zaostala zemlja, u kojoj ni jedna institucija ne funkcionise kako treba. Ja jasno razdvajam ovo gore napisano od mog porekla, mog detinjstva, mog zavicaja, mog Beograda, mojih secanja i mog pripadanja vremenu i zemlji koja vise ne postoji.Isto tako, samom cinjenicom da zivim u gradu gde zivi ceo svet, pripadam i celom svetu, kao i Kanadi u kojoj se nikada nisam osecala kao stranac ( sto zbog gore navedenog ne bih mogla da kazem za Srbiju).
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve
Well, I do not really celebrate Christmas now. Our Christmas is in January, and it is not a gift giving event. Or better to say, only kids receive gifts. For adults it is more of a spiritual experience, that is preceded with 40 days of fasting, called "Bozicni post".
On our Christmas Eve, Aleks, Ivan and I will go you Serbian Monastery in Milton. It is located in a very secluded area, and if you do not know your way, you may easily get lost in the woods. The monastery is located on the hill, and in the winter night, with all the trees that surrounds the area, the monastery, the lights and, hopefully snow one may experience a magical feeling, somewhat like in a fairytail.
Unfortunately, there is no snow in the forecast. This winter is to be "snowless" winter. How sad. It is supposed to snow in the winter. Last New Years' Eve, three of us went snow boarding on the hill beside North Prep School. It was fun!
What about if I move my Saturday lazy a** now, and go and get a gift for little girl whose name is Lisa. I will let you know in my next blog if I did it. Until then, so long and good buy, and take care and do not drink and drive!
On our Christmas Eve, Aleks, Ivan and I will go you Serbian Monastery in Milton. It is located in a very secluded area, and if you do not know your way, you may easily get lost in the woods. The monastery is located on the hill, and in the winter night, with all the trees that surrounds the area, the monastery, the lights and, hopefully snow one may experience a magical feeling, somewhat like in a fairytail.
Unfortunately, there is no snow in the forecast. This winter is to be "snowless" winter. How sad. It is supposed to snow in the winter. Last New Years' Eve, three of us went snow boarding on the hill beside North Prep School. It was fun!
What about if I move my Saturday lazy a** now, and go and get a gift for little girl whose name is Lisa. I will let you know in my next blog if I did it. Until then, so long and good buy, and take care and do not drink and drive!
Sunday, December 10, 2006
I did not see movie Borat last night
It has been now six weeks that the movie Borat is in the theaters. I had an intention of seeing it, mostly because I had heard it was hilarious. It was not that I did not try. The very first Saturday when the movie was out, Ivan and I wanted to see it in Silverciity, Yorkdale. We were disappointed to find out that 10 pm show was sold out. Well, not only that, the movie theater entrance was so crowded as if there is no tomorrow. I hate shopping malls and movie theaters in the shopping malls, I hate the smell and the lights of shopping malls, but Yorkdale is the closest movie theater, and the parking is for free.
Last night we decided, instead of spending 20.00 and more to see Borat, to stay at home and rent the movie from Blockbuster. It was easy decision for me to make. Just thinking of parking lot at Yorkdale in the Christmas shopping season made me cringe, and not wanting to go anywhere near that mess. I actually have no intention to participate in any of that. And if it takes for me to wait and see Borat on DVD, let it be. I am very, very bad consumer. I admit!
Last night we decided, instead of spending 20.00 and more to see Borat, to stay at home and rent the movie from Blockbuster. It was easy decision for me to make. Just thinking of parking lot at Yorkdale in the Christmas shopping season made me cringe, and not wanting to go anywhere near that mess. I actually have no intention to participate in any of that. And if it takes for me to wait and see Borat on DVD, let it be. I am very, very bad consumer. I admit!
Sunday, December 3, 2006
Pocela je zima
Toronto's Weather: Light snow, -3, windchill -9
Pre samo tri dana temperatura je bila 15 stepeni. Bilo je lepo dok je trajalo. Zima je pocela danas sa prvim znacajnim minusom ove sezone. Moze se slobodno reci da "otpadaju usi", jer sam se upravo vratila kuci, posle manje od 15 minuta provedenih napolju. Mislim da vec imam promrzline prvog stepena.
Proslo je sest sati uvece, nedelja je, pa bi se moglo reci da ova niska temperatura ne mora da me brine, jer ne moram nigde da idem. Well, izgleda da cu morati ponovo da se izlozim carima ledenog vetra. Aleksandar hoce da idemo u Indigo da pogleda "graphic novels". Sta cu kada dete voli knjige.
Eto toliko od mene za sada.
Pre samo tri dana temperatura je bila 15 stepeni. Bilo je lepo dok je trajalo. Zima je pocela danas sa prvim znacajnim minusom ove sezone. Moze se slobodno reci da "otpadaju usi", jer sam se upravo vratila kuci, posle manje od 15 minuta provedenih napolju. Mislim da vec imam promrzline prvog stepena.
Proslo je sest sati uvece, nedelja je, pa bi se moglo reci da ova niska temperatura ne mora da me brine, jer ne moram nigde da idem. Well, izgleda da cu morati ponovo da se izlozim carima ledenog vetra. Aleksandar hoce da idemo u Indigo da pogleda "graphic novels". Sta cu kada dete voli knjige.
Eto toliko od mene za sada.
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